We are Just Breakable Girls and Boys
by HermioneCrookshanks919
Summary: Hours after Morgana's departure, Arthur and Gwen deal with the fallout and their own feelings of guilt. A/G


A/N: I've been gone for a really long time, and I apologize. I've had an awful case of writer's block, and while I am still suffering from it I managed to have a small breakthrough. This is my first fanfic for Arthur/Gwen, let alone Merlin, so I hope you enjoy it. I know many of you want me to update my HP fanfics, but I'm afraid my muse isn't complying. I am trying, believe me I am, but it may be a while. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this fic. And for anyone who hasn't yet watched Merlin, please go do so! It's quite a gem of a show.

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He finds her in Morgana's chambers. Her back is to him – her face looking out the window – and her arms are wrapped around her body as if she's protecting herself from the cold. He hasn't said a word, but somehow she knows he's there, for she soon says in a hoarse voice, "I didn't believe him."

Arthur stares, not quite understanding her words, but before he can ask what she means Gwen continues. "When I woke up in Morgana…" her voice cracks, but she quickly regains control, "When I woke up here, I searched for her…I tried to find her but I couldn't…and everyone was talking but it was all just noise, so I rushed to Gaius to find out what happened and he said…he told me…" Her grip tightens, and Arthur takes a few hesitant steps forward. "I didn't believe him," Gwen repeats, shaking her head and looking down at the ground. "But I've been here for hours, waiting for her to return. I always help her get ready for bed, every night the same routine…and then she goes to sleep and I blow out the candles…. I wait outside her door for a few hours, just to make sure another night terror doesn't strike." Gwen's shoulders begin to shake, and Arthur has to swallow a lump in his throat. Gwen's distress only amplifies his own, but he knows now is not the time to break down. Not when Guinevere is like this. Not when the entire castle and his father are broken, on their knees.

"She's not here, Arthur," she whispers, and she finally turns around to face him. Arthur has to swallow once more at the sight of tears streaming down her face, one after another. She looks lost and so like a scared child that he simply wants to gather her in his arms and whisper, "It'll be all right," but he can't manage to somehow. In the back of his mind he still wonders if he even has the right to hold her, to initiate any contact. And though he won't admit it, he doesn't feel strong enough to support her when he himself can hardly stand. "She's not here. And she's not coming back, and I don't know…what do I…" She looks at him, her sweet brown eyes – usually the source of his calm – wide and filled with fear.

Arthur searches his mind for something, anything that will reassure Gwen that all is not lost. But he comes up short. "Your job is still safe," he manages to say. "I promised…that day…" He stops short, wondering why on earth he's bringing up her father's death when she is dealing with another loss at this very moment. "You needn't fear for employment," he finishes, and he feels like such a fool. Here Gwen is, pouring out her heart, and all he can say is, "You'll still have a job"? He closes his eyes and grits his teeth at his pathetic attempt, knowing that Gwen would be better off without his lackluster support.

Gwen, however, appears not to have heard him. Her expression is hardening, and she no looks frightened but determined. She walks towards Arthur, a fire sparking in her eyes.

"That day you promised me that I could have anything I needed," Gwen says, standing inches away from him. Maybe she heard him after all Arthur thinks with a slight grimace to himself. "Do you remember?"

Arthur nods slowly, not liking where this is going. "I do."

"Find her then," Gwen demands, and she knows she's pushing the boundaries of their relationship, ignoring her place and taking advantage of his feelings for her, but this is her only choice. She's not losing anyone else, and she's certainly not losing Morgana. "Find her and bring her back!"

Arthur simply looks at her, his expression revealing nothing. For a moment Gwen worries that it's the calm before the storm, that he will (rightfully) put her in her place and this will be the end – that she'll lose one more person tonight and never recover. She does not know what's running through Arthur's mind: that not long ago Morgana said the same words to him about Gwen. He had succeeded then, and it hurts him that he cannot end Guinevere's pain as he had Morgana's, that he cannot bring peace back to this castle. He says none of this, however, and instead slowly shakes his head and whispers, "I can't do that, Guinevere. You know I can't. We've searched for hours—"

"Well then that's not enough!" Gwen cries, and she takes another step forward, and then another, until she's inches away from him. "Morgana is like your sister! You can't just stand there and tell me that a few hours will suffice. You've spent days on pointless hunts for sorcerers" (her eyes flash, and he knows, with an aching heart, that she's remembering the day that the "pointless hunt" resulted in herarrest, another one of his many failings) "and you expect me to believe that a few hours is enough for Morgana?" Gwen shakes her head in disappointment, eyes reflecting her betrayal and anger. "If this is so, then you are not the man I thought you were, Arthur Pendragon."

Arthur knows that this statement is driven by Gwen's current state – that he can't hold her to these words – but they stab at his already fractured heart. All his fears of not being good enough – for Camelot, for his father, for Guinevere – flare up, and a voice whispers in the back of his mind that Morgana's disappearance is all his fault – that he should've watched after her, taken care of her as any proper brother would have.

"I did everything I could to find her," Arthur finally says, his words coming out harsher than he intended. "Everything, Guinevere. We searched, and we searched, and we searched, but she does not want to be found. Or Morgause doesn't want her to be found. Or…" Arthur's head begins to spin, the situation quickly becoming even more overwhelming. Until the words left his mouth he never thought thatMorgana could want this, and he doesn't know why he even said such a thing, but now that he has…

Gwen seems just as confused by this logic as he. "She doesn't want to be found?" she repeats slowly and in a tone that frightens the prince who hours before faced an indestructible force of knights on his own. "How could you say such a thing?" she asks, her voice rising with her ever growing rage. "This is Morgana, our Morgana, why would you…" But soon Gwen's questions give way to sobs, and she covers her face with her hands, her shoulders heaving. She understands perfectly how Arthur could say such a thing, because it's the same thought she has tried to bury. Sitting alone in this room, as she waited for her lady whom she knew would never return, she thought over the past few months, about Morgana's sudden secrecy and the cold way in which she had recently addressed the situations and people around her. She thought about the empty bed she saw the night before but had been too distracted by her sudden illness to bring up before leaving Morgana for the last time. And, above all, she thought about how this was all her fault. If she hadn't been so involved with herself, hadn't been so secretive and closed off to Morgana, then maybe, just maybe, the Lady Morgana would have shared her own worries instead of shutting Gwen out. And then, perhaps, Gwen could have stopped all of this from happening.

Arthur finally shushes the voice that tells him to stay where he is and bounds over to Gwen, pulling her against him. He says nothing, for words have failed him tonight, and instead places his chin on top of her head and wraps his arms tightly around her, holding her as she shakes in his embrace. He can feel her tears soaking his tunic, and it only makes his grip tighten.

She says something into his chest, and Arthur moves his head back so he can see and hear her. "It's my fault," she repeats through her cries, her hands curling around the soaked fabric. "It's…it's my fault, Arthur. I knew…I knew s-something was wr-wrong, I s-saw it every…every day." She swallows and then breathes in deeply, repeating this until she has reduced her sobs to tears. "I am to blame," she pronounces, looking up at him. She bites the inside of her lip, for she fears the onslaught of a fresh set of tears.

Arthur wants to tell Gwen that she isn't to blame, that the only one responsible is he. But he's smart enough now to know that she'll never forgive him for what she would call such lies and selfishness. "It isn't always about you!" he can imagine her saying. So instead he murmurs, "We are all to blame, Guinevere."

"But I am with her more than anyone!" Gwen protests, and Arthur places a finger on her lips to quiet her.

"And I never bothered to look in on her, to see how she was doing. I forgot about her and took her past support for granted. We are all to blame," he repeats, though this is more for his own sake than hers.

Gwen closes her eyes and nods, finally letting go of her anger but, like Arthur, not her guilt. She steps out of Arthur's arms and looks away, embarrassed by her earlier outburst. "I should go," she says softly, not looking Arthur in the eye. "It's getting late." She doesn't make a move to leave, however, and Arthur soon understands that she is awaiting his response, that his next words will determine her actions, and he realizes how damaged she must be to make herself so vulnerable.

"Don't go."

Gwen looks at him in surprise. The last thing she wishes to do is return to her house, where blame will eat at her in the emptiness, but she never expected…

"No one will be leaving their quarters tonight," he tells her, and of this he is certain. Morgana's departure has taken its toll on the entire castle, and there will be no searching of rooms tonight. This will happen tomorrow, when the shock has faded and the reality of the situation has taken its toll on Uther, driving him to hysterics. "We're safe here."

Gwen's eyes fill with tears once more at Arthur's final words. "Arthur, if someone finds you here…"

He quiets her worries with a small shake of the head, and then walks over and pulls her back into his embrace. His hand reaches into her hair, softly stroking her curls. Gwen gives in and wraps her arms around him, thankful that she won't be alone tonight.

Gwen's earlier words still sting him, but Arthur knows that apologies will come later. For now they must try to heal, even if it such an outcome isn't possible. At this thought a single tear rolls down his cheek. The two will stay like this for the next few hours, unable to sleep, and unaware of another fire blazing in the distance that will lead Merlin to interrupt their rare moment of comfort.


End file.
